Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
