I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You need Xanax blowdarts
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
