My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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