i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It's just like the Real World with babies
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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