The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
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CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
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