I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
