We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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