mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
