remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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