What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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