i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my phone needs a breathalizer
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
