i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
