dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
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