I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
