when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
