Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
