so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
