Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
