I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
