3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
