I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
