You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
