Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
