Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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