she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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