I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Randomize
