Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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