i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
