Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
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You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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