i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
