how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
