dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
