Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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