I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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