Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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