Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
