I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
