Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I would ride that face into the sunset
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
