I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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