So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Congratulations! We have a period
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