Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
