you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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