i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I party with great urgency now.
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