The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
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The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
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I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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