I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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