I met the friendliest cop last night
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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