I think im going to throw up on grandma
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
