ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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