so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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