Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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