I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
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After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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