He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
