her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
