Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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