Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
