Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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