the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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