I puked a lego.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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