Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
