Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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